Ahhhh, the New Year!!! But first, it was T's birthday yesterday, YAY for being 5. I am having a hard time seeing my little guy, my baby, becoming a little boy. He is such a sweetheart. We celebrated by going to the zoo yesterday. We had such a good time. It was T, my nephew J and my mom and I. T took his new digital camera that he got for Christmas and took a ton of pictures. We walked all over the zoo and it was a beautiful day to be outside and running around. T had a great time and was so happy with his birthday suprise. We aren't having a party for him until we move, which we are doing this weekend.

Our house is a total disaster in the midst of packing everything up. Our Christmas stuff came down the day after Christmas so we could start packing. I am loving the house we are moving into and I can't wait til we are set up there. It has wooden floor and tile floors in all the common areas. It also has the pool in the backyard, and having the yard itself is a huge plus for T.

Our Christmas was good but very busy. F went and got his daughter and her sister (not F's child). The younger sister H is seven and that was really hard, and I doubt we will have her over again, at least not for Christmas. She only wanted to play with whatever T had in his hands at the time and was really loud and spent the whole visit lying. It was a lot to handle and took away from some of the joy I had at seeing T so very happy and having a good time (until his toy was snatched from his hands). We spent Christmas Eve at my mom's house. It was very busy with my whole family there but a lot of fun. Then we came home and opened presents here, we tell Santa he can visit us early, he has such a busy schedule, you know. We didn't do a lot Christmas day, we had stuffed pork and salad and mac n cheese for dinner, it was really good. T was so happy with his Christmas, we had really paired down how much we got this year as it seems like he is often overwhelmed with gifts and this year it was really perfect. He did get a Wii from my mom and that has been a huge success. I do reccomend this for anyone with younger children. I am sure it is good with bigger kids too as we have a good time with it but there are not many games really geared to the 5-7 crowd with the PS and Xbox games and the Wii really seems to be a good fit for that age range, at least with the games he got for his.

I will post some new pics soon of both our Christmas and T's birthday :)

Christmas Snow and the start of my journey

T thinks that x-mas only comes when it snows. He says the rain just turns to snow. I have tried to explain to him how it has to be cold and then there has to be moisture, enough to actually snow for us to get snow, and then that even though it "could" snow, it likely won't or if it did, it would only fall from the sky and not accumulate. I just hope I can get across we are having x-mas, whether it snows or not.

I remember the day my sis asked if I would adopt him, it came totally out of left field for me. She was in her room, she might have been crying, if she was, she was trying to hide it. She asked if I would be interested in adopting T (she was 3 months pregnant at the time, so really early on). I told her yes I would be interested but that she needed to think about this and make the decision that was right for her. I didn't want her to give him up if she didn't want to or if it wasn't going to be the right thing for her. I realized immediately that this would be the hardest thing she would ever do, and I wasn't sure at first this was something she really wanted. She is my sister, so no matter what, I was going to be there for her. And I was going to love T no matter what, because no matter what he was going to be special. Her son, J and I have always been very close, I imagined that no matter what A decided, T and I would be close. So, I went with her to appointments and never once did she waver on her question to me, she assumed my yes was it and he was my son. When the first test they did came back and showed markers for downs syndrome, she asked me to call the doc and talk to them about it, she asked if I wanted the amnio. I did not, if she wanted me to raise T, there was nothing that would change my mind.
A's boyfriend, T's bio-dad was around some too, he was very pro me adopting T. So much so that I think maybe he told A he wouldn't help her with T, he already had 4 other bio kids that he was not supporting in anyway. He is my least favorite person on this earth, also a story for another time. A is very aware of the programs to help mom's parent their children, she helped a friend try to keep her kids when CPS was involved, she knew the ins and outs of getting assistance with daycare, WIC, food stamps. This is something she decided to do, because she felt she couldn't parent T, she wasn't really at the time parenting J, my parents were, it wasn't a matter of not knowing how to get help or that there was help out there, she just could not parent T and wanted him in our family no matter what.
My sis is a little shy and less likely to speak up for herself then she would be to tell me what is bothering her, what she needs. I did try to make sure when she needed something, someone at least listened to her, and this included a little bit of me yelling at nurse in the hospital for her but that story is for another time. There were a lot of ups and downs over the six months A was pregnant after she asked me to parent T. We were there together through all of them. Now, almost 5 years later, we are closer than we have ever been. And we both love a little boy named T and would do anything for him.

Gingerbread houses and good weekend

I did not realize when I started the gingerbread house tonight that it would be an ORDEAL. I guess it should have crossed my mind that we were going to have to WAIT for the sides to dry a little and the roof to dry and I keep hearing the little voice next to me, "is it dry now?"...lol. I hope it will turn out okay and stay together at least long enough to be photographed. I am not creative in the least but I do try, and that should count, right?

We had a good weekend. A took T and J to six flags and they went sledding. T loved it, wanted to go again but apparently the line was rather long. T then spent the night with J and A and my folks and F and I were able to have a quiet night home together, it doesn't happen very often. T had a great time, he loves spending time with A and J and with my parents. And its nice for him to be with someone who loves him as much as I do, A surely loves him as much as me. I don't ever worry when he is with her, I know he is loved and cared for. I do appreciate the relationship we have forged for the love of T, and it makes me happy to know he is so loved.

A, J, T, my mom and I went shopping on Sunday. T needed some new pants and warm jammies. It was fun for us all to get out together. T and J have such a great time together, despite the 7/8 year age difference. J is so nice to his little brother. And T just idolizes his big brother. We were able to get T jeans and jammies, he loves his new Christmas jammies and immediately put them on when we got home, at almost 8 pm. We are excited about Christmas coming up and I need to think of some things to do over the next few weekends to make them special. I think we will go to sea world and maybe 6 flags too, F and I need to go see all the lights and have a little fun, so we will likely take T and have some family time. We also have a few birthdays coming up, my neice D is turning 7 and T's best friend is turning 5.

So much to do before Christmas, I am sure I will wrapping presents right up to the time we are ready to open them...lol.

Christmas Pictures

What a night...lol. We had our yearly Christmas pictures of the grandkids, these would be all of my mom's grandkids. I have one brother, R, who has 3 daughters and 2 stepsons and my sis, A, who has J and then there is T, so a total of 7 grandkids ranging in age from 18 years old to 16 months old, and yep, my brother has both the 18 year old and the one year old. We went to Olan Mills and honestly, they were FANTASTIC. I worried at first, seeing my nephews A and TL who seemed to be in really bad moods when they got there, I thought great, its gonna be one of those nights with them. The kids were really good though and I would guess that helps with getting pics done quick. There were not a lot of retakes, and no crying. There were a couple of really good shots of T, shots that made the people there ask if he was in modeling...ha, no, not my laid back and very easy going child. My sis couldn't be there but I made sure mom ordered plenty of extras for her. T had his 5 year shot done too, he turns 5 at the end of the month, that pic is awesome, I hope I can scan and load it when we get it back. I can't believe that kid is gonna be 5, whoa, where did the time go.

So, we were there and my SO and I were in the room with the lady showing the pics, she knows I am his mom and T has called F his dad and she assumes we are married. Her comment to us is, WOW, T is really tall for his age, but I guess he gets that from his dad. HUH? Now F is 6'7 so yeah he is tall, but LOL.....one, T is not really tall for his age and two, T doesn't look like either one of us. We got a chuckle out of it and no, we didn't correct her, we joke all the time that T's personality traits are from one or the other of us.

This holiday is a little stressful for us, not as much saved and all that, plus we are moving right after the new year, the move will be great for us, it is into a house, which is bigger than the apartment we are in now and it also has a big yard and pool in the backyard so we are pretty excited about the move. T hasn't asked for anything for Christmas, so far it isn't really in his nature. He has never thrown a fit in a store if he is told he can't have something, he just says "okay mom". And we also never need to fear taking him somewhere because he will want something, he never asks us for anything. I always see people saying they don't want to "spoil" their kids or get them to much for x-mas because they will become "entitled", well, I can tell you, my son gets SPOILED by my family for x-mas and birthday and so far, there is absolutely no sense of entitlement. He would be happy with decorations, cake and lots of cousins to play with for his birthday. It has made getting him something for x-mas and his birthday (5 days after x-mas) hard, because I am guessing at what he wants but I have no doubt, my son will be happy.

Today and some thoughts on adoption

Today was busy, I had an appt with the doc, my shoulder is pretty messed up at the moment, so needed a check and an MRI to come. No big deal, just another appt for me. We also had T's tee-ball party. He played his first season this fall and loved it. He was so funny, he would tell me after every game and practice "Mom, I had a great time", he loved it so much. I am glad, not that I want him to be a baseball player or any kinda player for that matter but I want him to try sports, I want him to enjoy it, I want him to experience all he can and to have fun doing it. Participation has always seemed a good thing to me, being part of something (not just sports but anything, clubs, drama, dance, cub scouts). Anyway, we went to Chuck E Cheese and he got to play lots of games, eat pizza and hang out with his buddies. He was proud of his trophy and the coach has asked him to come back next season to play.

I have read a lot of blogs recently, first moms, adoptive moms, adoptees. I am miffed by this seeming fear of adoptive parents to have first moms in their childrens lives. I am not sure I "get it". Or maybe to an extent I do, but not really. There was a time right after T was born that I was very uncomfortable with my sis. She threatened to take him back when she argued with my mother, I guess knowing it would hurt me, hurt my mom, hurt J. My sis had some/has some maturity issues (I am not bad mouthing her, this is true, it is fact and I love her no matter what) so at first I suppose I was a little afraid she would take him, I was more afraid she would take him and run, versus just take him and keep him but never in that time did I consider cutting off contact with her, it never crossed my mind. She is his first mom, she deserves to know him, to see him, to hold and hug and kiss him, she loves him. She doesn't try to parent him, she doesn't tell me how to parent him, she never has. So, it breaks my heart to see a first mom say that their childs mom won't call them back or e-mail them, I don't get it. It actually breaks my heart to see that first moms worry so much about contacting to much that they agonize over e-mailing or calling. I wish that adoptive moms would realize that these (first moms) are moms who love their kids and have chosen what they think is best for that child, and they deserve the contact, that they deserve the promises and plans for their adoption honored. How is it that an adoptive mom can think they are choosing what is best for their child by not allowing someone who loves that child as much as they do to be in their lives? I wish that everyone could learn how to communicate with each other, that making a plan, and sticking to it will work in the best interest of the child.

I can't imagine not having my sis in our lives, cutting her out because I am afraid. She loves T. And despite her sometimes unpredictable behavior and poor choices, she deserves to see him. Maybe you are thinking, well you are family, its easy to say that in your situation, our first moms are strangers and to that I say, this stranger has trusted you with the most precious gift anyone will ever receive (and I am not here implying that child is an object, just the very weight which really can't be put into words imo of what this is about), they have allowed you to raise their child, they should be considered more than family, don't just pay them lip service by thanking them and telling them what a wonderful thing they have done for you, there aren't words enough to convey what it is they have done for you, show them, show them that you will never be able to tell them enough how much you appreciate them by sticking to your promise, by sticking to Open Adoption, because this is what will show that you are truly grateful and that you deserved to raise this child in the first place.

Okay, I think I am done with that thought, to all the first moms out there who are struggling with relationships with the adoptive parents, I say I am sorry, and I hope they will come to their senses and build that relationship. I do/did know what it feels like to be a little afraid, and even though my response was not to cut contact (I just kept it to myself), I did eventually get over it, I hope the people raising your children get over it too and realize what's best for all of you.

Jen

ETA: I am speaking of infant adoption where there are not extenuating circumstances that may include issues of safety with the child. I am talking about adoptions where there is a first mom who makes a plan and places a child.