Today and some thoughts on adoption

Today was busy, I had an appt with the doc, my shoulder is pretty messed up at the moment, so needed a check and an MRI to come. No big deal, just another appt for me. We also had T's tee-ball party. He played his first season this fall and loved it. He was so funny, he would tell me after every game and practice "Mom, I had a great time", he loved it so much. I am glad, not that I want him to be a baseball player or any kinda player for that matter but I want him to try sports, I want him to enjoy it, I want him to experience all he can and to have fun doing it. Participation has always seemed a good thing to me, being part of something (not just sports but anything, clubs, drama, dance, cub scouts). Anyway, we went to Chuck E Cheese and he got to play lots of games, eat pizza and hang out with his buddies. He was proud of his trophy and the coach has asked him to come back next season to play.

I have read a lot of blogs recently, first moms, adoptive moms, adoptees. I am miffed by this seeming fear of adoptive parents to have first moms in their childrens lives. I am not sure I "get it". Or maybe to an extent I do, but not really. There was a time right after T was born that I was very uncomfortable with my sis. She threatened to take him back when she argued with my mother, I guess knowing it would hurt me, hurt my mom, hurt J. My sis had some/has some maturity issues (I am not bad mouthing her, this is true, it is fact and I love her no matter what) so at first I suppose I was a little afraid she would take him, I was more afraid she would take him and run, versus just take him and keep him but never in that time did I consider cutting off contact with her, it never crossed my mind. She is his first mom, she deserves to know him, to see him, to hold and hug and kiss him, she loves him. She doesn't try to parent him, she doesn't tell me how to parent him, she never has. So, it breaks my heart to see a first mom say that their childs mom won't call them back or e-mail them, I don't get it. It actually breaks my heart to see that first moms worry so much about contacting to much that they agonize over e-mailing or calling. I wish that adoptive moms would realize that these (first moms) are moms who love their kids and have chosen what they think is best for that child, and they deserve the contact, that they deserve the promises and plans for their adoption honored. How is it that an adoptive mom can think they are choosing what is best for their child by not allowing someone who loves that child as much as they do to be in their lives? I wish that everyone could learn how to communicate with each other, that making a plan, and sticking to it will work in the best interest of the child.

I can't imagine not having my sis in our lives, cutting her out because I am afraid. She loves T. And despite her sometimes unpredictable behavior and poor choices, she deserves to see him. Maybe you are thinking, well you are family, its easy to say that in your situation, our first moms are strangers and to that I say, this stranger has trusted you with the most precious gift anyone will ever receive (and I am not here implying that child is an object, just the very weight which really can't be put into words imo of what this is about), they have allowed you to raise their child, they should be considered more than family, don't just pay them lip service by thanking them and telling them what a wonderful thing they have done for you, there aren't words enough to convey what it is they have done for you, show them, show them that you will never be able to tell them enough how much you appreciate them by sticking to your promise, by sticking to Open Adoption, because this is what will show that you are truly grateful and that you deserved to raise this child in the first place.

Okay, I think I am done with that thought, to all the first moms out there who are struggling with relationships with the adoptive parents, I say I am sorry, and I hope they will come to their senses and build that relationship. I do/did know what it feels like to be a little afraid, and even though my response was not to cut contact (I just kept it to myself), I did eventually get over it, I hope the people raising your children get over it too and realize what's best for all of you.

Jen

ETA: I am speaking of infant adoption where there are not extenuating circumstances that may include issues of safety with the child. I am talking about adoptions where there is a first mom who makes a plan and places a child.